I don't understand why he even started this in the first place. I keep wasting my time on guys who CANNOT handle me. Who don't understand what the fuck being with me REALLY entails. I am just so fucking desperate to be loved again, fully, completely, that I overlook TOO much shit. Just way too much. I keep getting hurt and I keep saying I'm fucking done, and then I wind up right back where I started, falling for some man who doesn't even fucking deserve me. I had SEX with him. I broke my fucking celibacy for him. HOW COULD I BE SO FUCKING STUPID?! I don't even know what I want anymore. I don't know if I wanna fight for this or just let it go. I don't fucking know.

So you get to make me feel like shit and make me feel guilty for not doing what you expected, and I'm the bad guy? You said to talk to you when I'm ready.

Who knows when the fuck that'll be?

I don't care for the stress, I don't care for feeling like shit, and I truly don't think it's supposed to be this hard to be with someone. We aren't even a couple and here I am going through the fucking wringer. I'm so close to saying "fuck it", because I'm just so much more ready to find something simple.

"I know exactly how to make a woman happy. I just haven't met one yet that has deserved the effort."

How dare you say that shit. How DARE you say that shit where I can see it. How can you be so fucking CLUELESS?! You have officially become not-shit in my book. As if I didn't try so hard to make it work. You mean to tell me I didn't DESERVE you making me happy?! That's not something someone should have to DESERVE. How could you not want to fucking make me happy? IT'S RECIPROCAL. I WOULD'VE MADE YOU HAPPY TOO, YOU DUMB FUCKING SON OF A BITCH. And you do not know exactly how to make a woman happy, that I can fucking PROMISE, with every cell in my body. You. Do. Not. Know. And there is absolutely no way you learned in the time we've been broken up.

My absolute anger over this has caught me off guard. I mean, I know I was still pissed off about the summer and what I found out about how he feels about it, but for him to say something like this? I can't deal with it in a calm manner.

And for you to DM me ASKING IF I WAS MAD AT YOU?! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! AND THEN DELETE IT?!?!?! THAT IS FUCKING IT. YOU ARE GONE. YOU ARE FUCKING DONE, GONE FROM MY LIFE, GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE YOU POMPOUS FUCKING IDIOT, WITH YOUR OVERTHINKING OF EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING, AND YOUR UNBEARABLE OUTLOOK ON LIFE. You are an unbearable person in my life at this point, and I just will not put myself through seeing your face anywhere. Because clearly, you never appreciated everything I was willing to be for you. And you never fucking will.

Camel No. 9 100s

I think I understand why my dad smokes and why it's so hard for him to quit. The calm that washes over me after smoking a cigarette is kind of addictive. Although I'm terrified of my family finding out that I keep a pack of Camel No. 9 100s in my purse pretty much all the time, I've taken to sitting on my dresser next to an open window and enjoying one. It's sort of romantic in a way. I just sit there and watch the street, the occasional car passing by, and I enjoy my cigarette as my ceiling fan dissipates the smoke rising from the ashes on the end. I like the way those 5 minutes feel like 15. I like escaping. I like climbing down off of the dresser and feeling looser and heavier than before. I like the calm. I need the calm. Maybe when things don't seem so confusing I won't need it anymore. But my one cig a day gives me something that even weed can't. No more than 2 in one day is an easy rule to stick to for me because I'm not smoking to be cool. I know I shouldn't use it as my escape but it's just so romantic to me, and I'm hopeless in that area.