Feel The Promise of My Beating Heart

I'm giving up one thing, and giving into another.
In doing this but I'm scared all over again.
I need to relearn myself, because for every single thing I have discovered, there is another part waiting to be seen, to be ruined, to be hurt.

To a few people:
--Did you have to be that guy? Really? I thought you were better.

--Stop talking to me any kind of way.

--Fuck you.

--And you.

--I love you.

--I should've given up.

Close Your Eyes to See

It's a shame that I would pretend,
before making amends.
It's a shame that I can't..

Steps to Improving Siobahn This Summer:
1. Stop. Thinking. That means meditating, which I vow to do for at least 5 minutes a day, hopefully making it up to at least 30 by the end of summer, if not more.

2. Alone time. This sort of fits in with the meditation, but whatever. I get lonely so easily, and if I'm gonna live in a single this year I need to get used to being alone more. I don't like being alone with my thoughts for too long, but #1 should solve that.

3. Nurture relationships. Making sure everything is good with everyone, and rethinking the way I am as a friend.

4. Open up. I know I keep coming with the "Bonnie don't love these hoes." stats and tweets, but I'm starting to realize that I just don't have the energy or capacity to put myself out there right now, hence my "let's just get down, fuck the feelings" attitude. It's not even anyone's fault anymore, I've just gone from wanting something real into a pit of pessimism and fear. It started out as embracing singledom and now it's morphed into something much less positive and self-loving, and much more negative and self-destructive. The longer I stay in this pit, the harder it'll be for any guy to pull me out of it, and I don't want to be that girl.

5. Gain more independence. I really need to crack down and figure out what I can do to get out of my house. At this point, my mother isn't treating me like a daughter, she's treating me like an inmate, and I just can't take it anymore. My dad is basically her bitch, for lack of a better term. She feels entitled to all control because they help pay for school. I'd hate to have to leave State to be happy, but if it comes down to it, I will. I might just have to shoot for the nursing school at Wayne so I can pay tuition on my own, and live on my own as well. I just don't know how to make that kind of money and still 4.0 my classes this year..

I can only hope to stay true to myself and actually do these things. I sure as hell intend to try.

But nothing you've ever planned on
ever turned out the way you planned..

I Just Don't Know Where They Can Be Found

I am erratically changing my status and tweeting every ten minutes so as to keep my fingers occupied. I hate my fucking mind right now, more than ever. If I didn't overthink shit, SO many things in my life could be avoided. I seriously need help to do that, I need someone to teach me, or give me the tools to stay out of my own head. Because at this point it is beginning to ruin my fucking life, and I can't take it anymore. I'll never be carefree, but I'd like to care about the things that really, truly matter. I'm always going to be who I am, my nature won't change. I just need better control over it. I need to learn how to be myself without being myself all the time. And the funny thing is, I'm always trying to be what someone else needs to me to be, when really, maybe all it takes to do that is picking the pieces of myself that are already there, and being those things for that person.

Can't Keep Me Anymore

Today it all shifted in my heart; I took a deep breath, and I was suddenly free.
I was so abruptly free that I tripped over my own feet and almost fell.
But I caught myself and now I'm walking straight ahead.
I won't look back.

Up or Down

I am suspended in the air and I don't know whether I want to fall, or fly higher.
I like what it looks like up high.
But I feel safer on the ground.

The Radio Has Been Playing the Same Song All Day Long

I don't know what's going on.
Shit feels weird.
It's making me uncomfortable. It's making a few of us sort of mad.
It doesn't help that I overthink everything.
I need answers.

Cannon Ball

Last night, whew.
Thought I was coming into a well-worked plan. NOT. To keep it short, it was pretty much an epic fail. I sold both Drake tickets, and yet I have no money [Stennett!]. Went to Wale to get away from the failure and that turned out to be fun, and I even did something I've never done..lol. And Colin Munroe was there and I had no idea he would be, which was really cool. I've gotta give his mixtape another listen. Then I went back to Dino's and that was crazy to say the least. It was a fun ass night. And I'm pleasantly relaxed at the moment, even though I know I'll be complaining of boredom in a few hours! I'm just glad I got to see people and hang out, it was really fucking fun. There's supposed to be some movie thing tonight with my girlies, but I've heard from no one, so we'll see how that goes. And then Sunday Sten's graduation, I hope, if my parents aren't being bitch ass niggas. I'd rather not miss it. Then Monday, my summer is pretty much over. More later..

Be Here

Just because it's a new blog, doesn't mean I can't leave a few old elements in place.

New blog, and a whole summer ahead of me.

I'm sick of being left out, point blank. There's no nice way to say it. If it's ME you don't WANT to see, then it's a different story and I need new friends. And I know nothing is ever planned, but is it that hard to say "Get your ass over to so-and-so's house now."?? Really? I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, but damn..