Reblog

"What would it have been like if you weren't so afraid?
Where would I have been right now?"

Precisely why I only identify with words. Because someone else is always feeling what you feel.

It's never going to be the same. I just realized it, and it's painful, and I want to cry. I should've never let it get this bad inside my head.

Taking A Break

I'm gonna go over to Tumblr for awhile, see how I like it. I won't forget about Blogger though, I promise!

My Tumblr

Randoms

-I haven't done randoms in soooo long! These used to be so fun.

-I'm in Statistics class, not paying attention, as per usual. It feels impossible though! Luckily I can usually pay attention in section.

-I reeeally hope this weekend is fun when my peeps come to visit again!

-That being said, I'm starting to miss Myron a lot a lot. He irritates me sometimes when he doesn't text me back or stuff like that, but I love that face too much to ever be mad at him. He makes me so very happy. ^_^

-After getting back my first two exams of the semester, it's time to rework my study habits and destroy the next exams.

-I could really use a nap.

-I want some candy.

-Being unemployed is really bothering me. However, volunteering to work parking for these games is gonna get me these UGG moccasins that I have wanted for ages. I know I should save the money, but I'm young and I want those fucking shoes, dammit.

-I'm cold, but I'm not.

-Walking outside today is a JOB. I feel like I'm going to get blown away!

-I have to leave stats early to get to IAH on time, which sucks. I missed some EC Monday! :(

I've only just realized something very important. I am not who I was, ever. I am not the me I was yesterday, last week, last month, last year, or 3 years ago. I am FINALLY who I want to be, and the validity of that has hit me hard today. I can't make someone see who I am who doesn't know who they are. All I can do is know who I am in my own heart, and continue to be that person for MYSELF. Sure, I was stupid in the past, and I changed myself for people, but doesn't everyone make mistakes when they're 16 and 17? I changed so much for someone who to this very day is the exact same person I once knew.
Now I know I'm mature, evolving, kind, loving, strong-minded, positive and hopeful. I love my tattoo, I love my piercings, I love my hair, I love my body. I am who I want to be and I won't ever allow someone to take that from me again. And from this point on I won't let people allow me to feel hatred for long, and eventually not at all. I am Siobahn, and I know who I am, and no one will ever take it from me. No one. Not some naive childish piece of shit, and no man. I won't compromise myself ever again. Ever.

I'm Only Passing By

All the promises I gave you, helped me to survive.
And all the times I wished you'd save me,
you were the love of my life..

It's so funny how it takes one thing, or one person, to make other things, or other people, insignificant. One thing, and the page can finally turn, and the new chapter can begin. I can feel my life falling into another stage, I can feel myself wanting to change a little more, grow a little more. Lately it's been almost effortless for me to enjoy all the smaller things in life. It mostly has to do with me, but that's not to say a certain man in my life isn't helping by putting a smile on my face every damn day. I even smiled as I typed that. I'm a sappy ball of mush, but that's kind of all I can be right now! I'm happy. :)

God or the devil alone could not have made you up,
two must have worked as one together.

Lay Low Why Don'tcha Now?

I find it harder and harder to blog. I think my teenage angst is fading.

I guess I'll give the shortened version of my summer, since my energy to do this whole personal blogging thing is quickly fading. (I was just distracted for like 5 minutes, lol) Anyways, this summer I fought with my parents constantly. Made a mistake. I fucked my ex. I wanted him back. Made a mistake. Stopped messing with him. Fought with my parents some more. Started messing with him again. Failed chem. Met a wonderful man. Insert "Had fucking amazing times with my wife and co." between most of those, and you've got my summer. Compared to last summer, it was amazing.
Now I'm back at my second home, sitting in my new dorm room, waiting for my boy to finish watching his anime so he can come back to me on Skype. We'll talk about him another time though, when it's not so new.
I guess I kinda missed this blog after all..

Crow Attack

Crow Attack
Originally uploaded by one_sixtyith

Wow. Just, wow....

Microphone Check 1, 2, What Is This?

It's so funny how old blogs still refer to my current situation. Example:

"It could be simple.
But things will never be that way.
And that's what keeps me coming and going simultaneously."

I still feel that exact way about things. And it's funny because I constantly have to talk myself up or down about stuff, when I fail to realize I said it perfectly May 2, 2009. The only issue with this grand re-revelation is that I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing that I'm still the same way..

Victory's Within the Mile, Almost There Don't Give Up Now

Only thing that's on my mind, is who's gonna run this town tonight?

I am feeling so positive now that chemistry is over. It was full of bad juju. Even though I probably failed or JUST passed, I'm just glad it's over. And if I have to take it again, oh well, at least I'll have a REAL ASS PROFESSOR. Fucking WCCCD can kiss my black ass. KISS IT.

On a lighter note, it's time for [drumroll].....SOPHOMORE YEAR GOOOOOOOAAAALLLLSSS!
I've decided to set some goals for myself so there's no chance I'm disappointed come next summer. It's time to get busy in this B.

Academic
- Get at least a 3.0 in my sciences.
- 4.0 everything else.
- Figure this ish outtt; pre-nursing, orrrr pre-med??
-Volunteer at Sparrow at least twice a month

Social
- Party with different people, responsibly of course
- Make more health career friends
- Make more white friends, lol.
- Pledge!

Personal
- MAKE DIS PAPER. Seriously.
- Work on being open to a relationship, some way, somehow. :-/
- Faith or no faith? Hmmm.
- Attempt to be closer with family, mainly mom.
- Start trying to write my book. This WILL happen.
- Tattoos, you say?
- Keep this weight OFF, and lose more.

I just want to be happier. I want the people around me to feed off of all my good juju, and positive energy. I want success for myself. I want to fall in love again.

I want the world.

Find Yourself A New Frontier

'cause life is going, going gone.

I continue to piss my own self off. I keep doing things that in the end, are wrong and futile. I'm aware of the changes I need to make in my life but I seem to be stuck. I'm getting more confused about where I belong, more confused about who I am and what I believe. I was naive to think that I had myself figured out at 18. We never have ourselves figured out. I'm gonna make mistakes, I'm gonna piss myself off, it's a fact of life. I just need to learn from these things. I've brainwashed my own self in some ways. I've talked myself in and out of things. I've been dishonest with myself and closed off to others. I know I repeat myself, I know there are changes I don't make. I'm aware of the wrong that I can make right and the things I can fix. I suspect a few reasons why I don't; I have no energy, I'm emotionally fucked up, I'm lazy, etc.

In the end though, it all comes down to this:
I'm too comfortable. I need to get restless. Now.

All My Bones Are So Tired

I started this draft on the July 16th and I have NO idea where it came from but I think I should finish it.

I never want anyone to be my everything EVER again, until I have children. I am certain that my teenage love affair made me a stupid, stupid girl for a very long time. The idea that this one person was my one and only, my everything, appealed to me so much. I just wanted him, and that was it. Sure, I had great friends, but he was #1. Looking back, I want to slap myself! If I saw 16 year old Siobahn I'd bitch slap her so hard she'd spin twice. I was a dummy, plain and simple. Putting anyone before myself, my family and my girls was stupid. Never again. To be with me at this stage in my life, you have to settle to be mid-priority. And I need to rework my own.

I'm starting to get a lost feeling again. I'm questioning my whole self and it's hard because I thought I knew myself so well. I don't really feel like I know where I belong anymore. My whole life could change this week and I'm sitting calmly waiting for the storm to hit and my life to crash down around me. I am unmoved by so much. So many things have left me numb and careless. I need to get it back, or better yet, I need to move forward.

How Did We Get Here?

I almost always get the things that I want. It's the people that tend to fall through the cracks, or don't quite fit. I wish that wasn't so. The things that I hope for could be the things I have, if I just tried. I'm pretty hypocritical when it comes to honesty. I appreciate it from others, and although I'm an honest person, I am not both open and honest. It's an awkward way to live when people are always telling you things and you are half-telling them back. I feel bad about it sometimes. Like maybe if I was just completely out there with my shit I'd feel better, but I feel okay keeping it in too.. I don't really know. I'm really just venting. It's frustrating being at odds with yourself. And my best friends are barely around this summer. Then again, I don't know if I'd be perfectly honest with them either. Such is life. I'll learn sooner or later..

You Cannot Quit Me So Quickly

Today I started thinking back to the "Steps to Improving Siobahn This Summer". Let's recap:

1. Stop. Thinking.

--Semi-fail. I've stopped thinking so much, but I haven't been meditating at all like I said I would. I still think more than your average, but I figure I'm just a person who can't brush things off so easily.

2. Alone time.

--Big success, big, big success. I spend more time in my bedroom than I ever have in my life. It helps keep the stress of my family to a minimum, and that makes me much happier.

3. Nurture relationships.

--Semi-fail. Some people turned out to not be worth nurturing, so I gave up on that. Others have proven to be great friends, and so I make sure to focus on those friendships.

4. Open up.

--Fail. I don't know when that's gonna happen. I'm back to the point of not wanting anything to do with anyone, due to a few events, and a lack of interesting guys. I'm turning into a vault. It's not good.

5. Gain more independence.

--Semi-fail. My shotty ass job ruined that for me. I should have my license very soon though!


It's time to start trying to turn all of these things into successes. It is absolutely time for me to stop sitting in this puddle of stagnant water, and for me to move forward. I am my own worst enemy. I hold myself back. I need to change. One day at a time I am realizing that I'm luckier than most. I'm realizing what is disposable, and what is valuable. I'm realizing that the right choice has already been made, I just didn't see it until now. Things will fall into place, either that or I'll force them to fit. It's time to move.

If it feels complicated,
then it's probably simple.
You just don't know it yet.

Don't Forget

I haven't been on here in awhile, I've been vlogging a little bit in the place of it, but I always come back to my sweet, comforting written/typed words. Everything is clearer when I can see the letters. Everything is realer too.

I don't ever have regrets, that's something I pride myself on. But we all have things we wish we could change. I wish I never thought I loved him or if I did I wish I didn't. I wish I could have a chance with him, I wish things would just fall into place in my direction for once. I wish I thought more with my mind and less with my heart or body. I wish that someone, just someone would see me in the way that I truly am, and love every stitch of my slightly worn out, tough, being.
One product of the past few months is that I'm learning how to better myself, how to calm myself. If I just hole up in my room for most of the day, it's easier to get along with my family, and that takes a lot of stress away, which in turn makes me happier. I've started reading again, which is so peaceful and wonderful to me. I've been writing more, and that alone has made things easier, and my mood better.
For every single thing that has gone wrong, and everything that I cannot make right again, there is another something blooming inside of me, ready to take the place of the loss and the hurt I feel. Making myself better isn't an option anymore, it's just part of growing up. I'm gonna be 19 in like three months. It's time to start acting like I've grown another year, and part of that is going to be giving up on things that aren't happening for me at the moment. Whether that is love, or complete independence, my life requires just a bit of complacency right now. I can be okay with it as long as it's going to be good for the long run.

Another thing I want to talk about is the lack of true friendship in today's society. I think that people have forgotten what it means to be a true friend. It's okay to have different ideas and ideals of friendship, but one main thing we can all agree on is that friends deserve chances; to make mistakes, to do stupid things. Whatever it may be, I believe in giving chances. I believe in making friendships last. Sure, when it's done, it's done. But we're human, and we need people, and there are only so many times you can replace friends until you just want someone who doesn't have to ask what's wrong, and who'll listen when you need, and speak when you need, and tell you the plain truth. I'm glad to have friends like that, but sometimes I feel like people are under the impression that everyone is truly disposable. If that was the case, we'd all have a new set of friends every week. It's just not possible to be happy with people if you have to keep explaining yourself to new ones all the time. The whole "season and lifetime" quote is a bit irritating. Sure, some friends come and go, but I think it's important to hold on to the ones that know the parts of you that don't change with the seasons. I've always been one to try and nurture my friendships to the best of my ability, and I do think that for the most part it has groomed me tremendously as a person, and placed me in a position to be trustworthy and appreciated. However, as K has stated before, us nice people get taken advantage of a lot of the time, because we place ourselves in readily available positions. I don't think I can ever change, but I just know that I've got to better position myself for the way people are treating friendship nowadays. I'll still be the same Siobahn who's here when you need her, my guard is just up more than ever.

I've got friends in all the right places,
I know what they want and I know they don't want me to stay.

I Would've Been the One

I'm steadily filling up this hole, and everytime I think I'm almost there, I dig myself back into it.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually filling it! Or have I just put a piece of wood over it, and walked across it a few times?

I feel absolutely useless to myself.

And if I can't help me, who else can?

I can't stand the way this feels, even though it's my own fault in a way.
I'm sick of having to bounce back.

Well, there goes one more thing,

tossed straight into the Vault of Siobahn.

I don't know how I can be so brave and

so scared at the same time.

Why do I give up on things?

I should fight.

I won't.

Baby I'm Selfish

We can be so selfish as young people. We cry about all our own problems, all our misfortune, all the unrequited and lost love. We dedicate entire hours of our days thinking about all the things going on in our lives. We are single, solitary beings, and if we just stopped for a moment and forgot about the little things that aren't "going right", we'd be able to see the whole of things, the fact that it is bigger than you, and me, and everybody. The fact that we have friends to lean on and trust; the fact that love is ageless, and it doesn't have to be around now for us to find it later; the fact that we are so lucky to be alive.

Because in the end,
will it matter if you looked stupid? He still likes you.
Will it matter if he/she doesn't love you back? Someone will.
Will it matter if you cried your heart out? You're smiling now.
It won't matter once you get where you're going.

I'm not trying to make things trivial, because all of this emotional self-absorption is necessary for us to grow, but a little less couldn't hurt.

Time On My Hands

I'm going down,

I'm going down.

Cause you ain't around, baby.

My whole world's upside down.

Mary J. Blidge, MMHMMM.

I'm so up and down lately. I'm never usually like this, I can always make up my mind without a lot of effort. Sometimes I feel like I don't know myself as well as I should, and that if I did I could make up my mind more easily. Maybe it's because I don't really know what I want anymore. I'm unhappy at home, I have to work my ass off this summer at work and class, and for what? I could get hit by a car tomorrow. Why do we do what we do? Why do we try so very hard, when everything and/or everyone is going to come to an end? I guess it's because when we die we want people to remember us by our accomplishments. Really, all I care about is being there for people. I live for myself, because in the end that's all you really have, but living for myself sort of entails being there for the people I love because that's just who I am.

Life feels sort of at a standstill right now. I guess it's gonna be that way until I figure out how to make it move again. Every smile with my friends feel so temporary, because after I leave them I'm back home getting told how lazy or ungrateful or "different" I am. I really don't have the energy to be someone I'm not at home. Clearly, after a year of college and living on my own I'm going to come home a different person. No one takes into account the way I feel, the person I've become, none of it. For my mom to not even acknowledge my tattoo is proof of her not acknowledging me as anything I've become. It's quite sad, actually. And don't even get me started on the relationship tip. One day I'm craving a boyfriend, and the next day I wouldn't touch any male trying to talk to me seriously with a fucking ten foot pole. Everything in my heart is sort of against it. I've fallen into a pit of despair over something I used to believe in so wholly. That too, is quite sad. However, I will move along with the summer days and hope that some light is shed on all the confusion with my parents, and all the confusion in my head about love. Maybe some good writing will even come of it, 'cause I definitely haven't been producing anything decent lately.

*And on a brighter note, I just realized I can take my road test in exactly ten days. :D :D :D

Only Joy Comes From Song

I'm like a bird.

And I'm flying right past you.

Catch me if you can..

Daykeeper

Up and down and up and down.

And now I have a headache.

I hate giving up on people but

maybe it's time for me to learn how.

In fact, maybe it's time for me to

learn many, many things..

Gimme Some of That Grown Love, Grown Stuff

I have come to a point. A weird point.
I don't give half a shit whether I have a boyfriend right now. Like, I've never cared this little. But I've come to realize that the desire never really goes away. I've pushed it down, and I've chosen NOT to pull it up. I have the ability, I could pull it up if I really wanted. But I guess I don't want to.
I'm not afraid of love. I've had it. I've touched it, smelled it, tasted it. I know what it's like. I know how amazing it is. I also know how hard it is, how much energy it takes. And I know who I am, and who I want to be. Having said all that, it just seems too hard right now. Love can be easy when it's new, but then there's the work. I'm not afraid of love, I'm afraid of not having enough in me to love someone again. Almost falling may have had something to do with it. Thinking I was almost there, that I was so close; that took a lot from me. And I don't want almost.

I want it all, or I don't want any of it.

Feel The Promise of My Beating Heart

I'm giving up one thing, and giving into another.
In doing this but I'm scared all over again.
I need to relearn myself, because for every single thing I have discovered, there is another part waiting to be seen, to be ruined, to be hurt.

To a few people:
--Did you have to be that guy? Really? I thought you were better.

--Stop talking to me any kind of way.

--Fuck you.

--And you.

--I love you.

--I should've given up.

Close Your Eyes to See

It's a shame that I would pretend,
before making amends.
It's a shame that I can't..

Steps to Improving Siobahn This Summer:
1. Stop. Thinking. That means meditating, which I vow to do for at least 5 minutes a day, hopefully making it up to at least 30 by the end of summer, if not more.

2. Alone time. This sort of fits in with the meditation, but whatever. I get lonely so easily, and if I'm gonna live in a single this year I need to get used to being alone more. I don't like being alone with my thoughts for too long, but #1 should solve that.

3. Nurture relationships. Making sure everything is good with everyone, and rethinking the way I am as a friend.

4. Open up. I know I keep coming with the "Bonnie don't love these hoes." stats and tweets, but I'm starting to realize that I just don't have the energy or capacity to put myself out there right now, hence my "let's just get down, fuck the feelings" attitude. It's not even anyone's fault anymore, I've just gone from wanting something real into a pit of pessimism and fear. It started out as embracing singledom and now it's morphed into something much less positive and self-loving, and much more negative and self-destructive. The longer I stay in this pit, the harder it'll be for any guy to pull me out of it, and I don't want to be that girl.

5. Gain more independence. I really need to crack down and figure out what I can do to get out of my house. At this point, my mother isn't treating me like a daughter, she's treating me like an inmate, and I just can't take it anymore. My dad is basically her bitch, for lack of a better term. She feels entitled to all control because they help pay for school. I'd hate to have to leave State to be happy, but if it comes down to it, I will. I might just have to shoot for the nursing school at Wayne so I can pay tuition on my own, and live on my own as well. I just don't know how to make that kind of money and still 4.0 my classes this year..

I can only hope to stay true to myself and actually do these things. I sure as hell intend to try.

But nothing you've ever planned on
ever turned out the way you planned..

I Just Don't Know Where They Can Be Found

I am erratically changing my status and tweeting every ten minutes so as to keep my fingers occupied. I hate my fucking mind right now, more than ever. If I didn't overthink shit, SO many things in my life could be avoided. I seriously need help to do that, I need someone to teach me, or give me the tools to stay out of my own head. Because at this point it is beginning to ruin my fucking life, and I can't take it anymore. I'll never be carefree, but I'd like to care about the things that really, truly matter. I'm always going to be who I am, my nature won't change. I just need better control over it. I need to learn how to be myself without being myself all the time. And the funny thing is, I'm always trying to be what someone else needs to me to be, when really, maybe all it takes to do that is picking the pieces of myself that are already there, and being those things for that person.

Can't Keep Me Anymore

Today it all shifted in my heart; I took a deep breath, and I was suddenly free.
I was so abruptly free that I tripped over my own feet and almost fell.
But I caught myself and now I'm walking straight ahead.
I won't look back.

Up or Down

I am suspended in the air and I don't know whether I want to fall, or fly higher.
I like what it looks like up high.
But I feel safer on the ground.

The Radio Has Been Playing the Same Song All Day Long

I don't know what's going on.
Shit feels weird.
It's making me uncomfortable. It's making a few of us sort of mad.
It doesn't help that I overthink everything.
I need answers.

Cannon Ball

Last night, whew.
Thought I was coming into a well-worked plan. NOT. To keep it short, it was pretty much an epic fail. I sold both Drake tickets, and yet I have no money [Stennett!]. Went to Wale to get away from the failure and that turned out to be fun, and I even did something I've never done..lol. And Colin Munroe was there and I had no idea he would be, which was really cool. I've gotta give his mixtape another listen. Then I went back to Dino's and that was crazy to say the least. It was a fun ass night. And I'm pleasantly relaxed at the moment, even though I know I'll be complaining of boredom in a few hours! I'm just glad I got to see people and hang out, it was really fucking fun. There's supposed to be some movie thing tonight with my girlies, but I've heard from no one, so we'll see how that goes. And then Sunday Sten's graduation, I hope, if my parents aren't being bitch ass niggas. I'd rather not miss it. Then Monday, my summer is pretty much over. More later..

Be Here

Just because it's a new blog, doesn't mean I can't leave a few old elements in place.

New blog, and a whole summer ahead of me.

I'm sick of being left out, point blank. There's no nice way to say it. If it's ME you don't WANT to see, then it's a different story and I need new friends. And I know nothing is ever planned, but is it that hard to say "Get your ass over to so-and-so's house now."?? Really? I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, but damn..