I haven't been on here in awhile, I've been vlogging a little bit in the place of it, but I always come back to my sweet, comforting written/typed words. Everything is clearer when I can see the letters. Everything is realer too.
I don't ever have regrets, that's something I pride myself on. But we all have things we wish we could change. I wish I never thought I loved him or if I did I wish I didn't. I wish I could have a chance with him, I wish things would just fall into place in my direction for once. I wish I thought more with my mind and less with my heart or body. I wish that someone, just someone would see me in the way that I truly am, and love every stitch of my slightly worn out, tough, being.
One product of the past few months is that I'm learning how to better myself, how to calm myself. If I just hole up in my room for most of the day, it's easier to get along with my family, and that takes a lot of stress away, which in turn makes me happier. I've started reading again, which is so peaceful and wonderful to me. I've been writing more, and that alone has made things easier, and my mood better.
For every single thing that has gone wrong, and everything that I cannot make right again, there is another something blooming inside of me, ready to take the place of the loss and the hurt I feel. Making myself better isn't an option anymore, it's just part of growing up. I'm gonna be 19 in like three months. It's time to start acting like I've grown another year, and part of that is going to be giving up on things that aren't happening for me at the moment. Whether that is love, or complete independence, my life requires just a bit of complacency right now. I can be okay with it as long as it's going to be good for the long run.
Another thing I want to talk about is the lack of true friendship in today's society. I think that people have forgotten what it means to be a true friend. It's okay to have different ideas and ideals of friendship, but one main thing we can all agree on is that friends deserve chances; to make mistakes, to do stupid things. Whatever it may be, I believe in giving chances. I believe in making friendships last. Sure, when it's done, it's done. But we're human, and we need people, and there are only so many times you can replace friends until you just want someone who doesn't have to ask what's wrong, and who'll listen when you need, and speak when you need, and tell you the plain truth. I'm glad to have friends like that, but sometimes I feel like people are under the impression that everyone is truly disposable. If that was the case, we'd all have a new set of friends every week. It's just not possible to be happy with people if you have to keep explaining yourself to new ones all the time. The whole "season and lifetime" quote is a bit irritating. Sure, some friends come and go, but I think it's important to hold on to the ones that know the parts of you that don't change with the seasons. I've always been one to try and nurture my friendships to the best of my ability, and I do think that for the most part it has groomed me tremendously as a person, and placed me in a position to be trustworthy and appreciated. However, as K has stated before, us nice people get taken advantage of a lot of the time, because we place ourselves in readily available positions. I don't think I can ever change, but I just know that I've got to better position myself for the way people are treating friendship nowadays. I'll still be the same Siobahn who's here when you need her, my guard is just up more than ever.
I know what they want and I know they don't want me to stay.
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