I Would've Been the One

I'm steadily filling up this hole, and everytime I think I'm almost there, I dig myself back into it.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually filling it! Or have I just put a piece of wood over it, and walked across it a few times?

I feel absolutely useless to myself.

And if I can't help me, who else can?

I can't stand the way this feels, even though it's my own fault in a way.
I'm sick of having to bounce back.

Well, there goes one more thing,

tossed straight into the Vault of Siobahn.

I don't know how I can be so brave and

so scared at the same time.

Why do I give up on things?

I should fight.

I won't.

Baby I'm Selfish

We can be so selfish as young people. We cry about all our own problems, all our misfortune, all the unrequited and lost love. We dedicate entire hours of our days thinking about all the things going on in our lives. We are single, solitary beings, and if we just stopped for a moment and forgot about the little things that aren't "going right", we'd be able to see the whole of things, the fact that it is bigger than you, and me, and everybody. The fact that we have friends to lean on and trust; the fact that love is ageless, and it doesn't have to be around now for us to find it later; the fact that we are so lucky to be alive.

Because in the end,
will it matter if you looked stupid? He still likes you.
Will it matter if he/she doesn't love you back? Someone will.
Will it matter if you cried your heart out? You're smiling now.
It won't matter once you get where you're going.

I'm not trying to make things trivial, because all of this emotional self-absorption is necessary for us to grow, but a little less couldn't hurt.

Time On My Hands

I'm going down,

I'm going down.

Cause you ain't around, baby.

My whole world's upside down.

Mary J. Blidge, MMHMMM.

I'm so up and down lately. I'm never usually like this, I can always make up my mind without a lot of effort. Sometimes I feel like I don't know myself as well as I should, and that if I did I could make up my mind more easily. Maybe it's because I don't really know what I want anymore. I'm unhappy at home, I have to work my ass off this summer at work and class, and for what? I could get hit by a car tomorrow. Why do we do what we do? Why do we try so very hard, when everything and/or everyone is going to come to an end? I guess it's because when we die we want people to remember us by our accomplishments. Really, all I care about is being there for people. I live for myself, because in the end that's all you really have, but living for myself sort of entails being there for the people I love because that's just who I am.

Life feels sort of at a standstill right now. I guess it's gonna be that way until I figure out how to make it move again. Every smile with my friends feel so temporary, because after I leave them I'm back home getting told how lazy or ungrateful or "different" I am. I really don't have the energy to be someone I'm not at home. Clearly, after a year of college and living on my own I'm going to come home a different person. No one takes into account the way I feel, the person I've become, none of it. For my mom to not even acknowledge my tattoo is proof of her not acknowledging me as anything I've become. It's quite sad, actually. And don't even get me started on the relationship tip. One day I'm craving a boyfriend, and the next day I wouldn't touch any male trying to talk to me seriously with a fucking ten foot pole. Everything in my heart is sort of against it. I've fallen into a pit of despair over something I used to believe in so wholly. That too, is quite sad. However, I will move along with the summer days and hope that some light is shed on all the confusion with my parents, and all the confusion in my head about love. Maybe some good writing will even come of it, 'cause I definitely haven't been producing anything decent lately.

*And on a brighter note, I just realized I can take my road test in exactly ten days. :D :D :D

Only Joy Comes From Song

I'm like a bird.

And I'm flying right past you.

Catch me if you can..

Daykeeper

Up and down and up and down.

And now I have a headache.

I hate giving up on people but

maybe it's time for me to learn how.

In fact, maybe it's time for me to

learn many, many things..

Gimme Some of That Grown Love, Grown Stuff

I have come to a point. A weird point.
I don't give half a shit whether I have a boyfriend right now. Like, I've never cared this little. But I've come to realize that the desire never really goes away. I've pushed it down, and I've chosen NOT to pull it up. I have the ability, I could pull it up if I really wanted. But I guess I don't want to.
I'm not afraid of love. I've had it. I've touched it, smelled it, tasted it. I know what it's like. I know how amazing it is. I also know how hard it is, how much energy it takes. And I know who I am, and who I want to be. Having said all that, it just seems too hard right now. Love can be easy when it's new, but then there's the work. I'm not afraid of love, I'm afraid of not having enough in me to love someone again. Almost falling may have had something to do with it. Thinking I was almost there, that I was so close; that took a lot from me. And I don't want almost.

I want it all, or I don't want any of it.