I'm going down,
I'm going down.
Cause you ain't around, baby.
My whole world's upside down.
I'm so up and down lately. I'm never usually like this, I can always make up my mind without a lot of effort. Sometimes I feel like I don't know myself as well as I should, and that if I did I could make up my mind more easily. Maybe it's because I don't really know what I want anymore. I'm unhappy at home, I have to work my ass off this summer at work and class, and for what? I could get hit by a car tomorrow. Why do we do what we do? Why do we try so very hard, when everything and/or everyone is going to come to an end? I guess it's because when we die we want people to remember us by our accomplishments. Really, all I care about is being there for people. I live for myself, because in the end that's all you really have, but living for myself sort of entails being there for the people I love because that's just who I am.
Life feels sort of at a standstill right now. I guess it's gonna be that way until I figure out how to make it move again. Every smile with my friends feel so temporary, because after I leave them I'm back home getting told how lazy or ungrateful or "different" I am. I really don't have the energy to be someone I'm not at home. Clearly, after a year of college and living on my own I'm going to come home a different person. No one takes into account the way I feel, the person I've become, none of it. For my mom to not even acknowledge my tattoo is proof of her not acknowledging me as anything I've become. It's quite sad, actually. And don't even get me started on the relationship tip. One day I'm craving a boyfriend, and the next day I wouldn't touch any male trying to talk to me seriously with a fucking ten foot pole. Everything in my heart is sort of against it. I've fallen into a pit of despair over something I used to believe in so wholly. That too, is quite sad. However, I will move along with the summer days and hope that some light is shed on all the confusion with my parents, and all the confusion in my head about love. Maybe some good writing will even come of it, 'cause I definitely haven't been producing anything decent lately.
*And on a brighter note, I just realized I can take my road test in exactly ten days. :D :D :D
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