I have come to a point. A weird point.
I don't give half a shit whether I have a boyfriend right now. Like, I've never cared this little. But I've come to realize that the desire never really goes away. I've pushed it down, and I've chosen NOT to pull it up. I have the ability, I could pull it up if I really wanted. But I guess I don't want to.
I'm not afraid of love. I've had it. I've touched it, smelled it, tasted it. I know what it's like. I know how amazing it is. I also know how hard it is, how much energy it takes. And I know who I am, and who I want to be. Having said all that, it just seems too hard right now. Love can be easy when it's new, but then there's the work. I'm not afraid of love, I'm afraid of not having enough in me to love someone again. Almost falling may have had something to do with it. Thinking I was almost there, that I was so close; that took a lot from me. And I don't want almost.
I want it all, or I don't want any of it.
I don't give half a shit whether I have a boyfriend right now. Like, I've never cared this little. But I've come to realize that the desire never really goes away. I've pushed it down, and I've chosen NOT to pull it up. I have the ability, I could pull it up if I really wanted. But I guess I don't want to.
I'm not afraid of love. I've had it. I've touched it, smelled it, tasted it. I know what it's like. I know how amazing it is. I also know how hard it is, how much energy it takes. And I know who I am, and who I want to be. Having said all that, it just seems too hard right now. Love can be easy when it's new, but then there's the work. I'm not afraid of love, I'm afraid of not having enough in me to love someone again. Almost falling may have had something to do with it. Thinking I was almost there, that I was so close; that took a lot from me. And I don't want almost.
I want it all, or I don't want any of it.
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