Close Your Eyes to See

It's a shame that I would pretend,
before making amends.
It's a shame that I can't..

Steps to Improving Siobahn This Summer:
1. Stop. Thinking. That means meditating, which I vow to do for at least 5 minutes a day, hopefully making it up to at least 30 by the end of summer, if not more.

2. Alone time. This sort of fits in with the meditation, but whatever. I get lonely so easily, and if I'm gonna live in a single this year I need to get used to being alone more. I don't like being alone with my thoughts for too long, but #1 should solve that.

3. Nurture relationships. Making sure everything is good with everyone, and rethinking the way I am as a friend.

4. Open up. I know I keep coming with the "Bonnie don't love these hoes." stats and tweets, but I'm starting to realize that I just don't have the energy or capacity to put myself out there right now, hence my "let's just get down, fuck the feelings" attitude. It's not even anyone's fault anymore, I've just gone from wanting something real into a pit of pessimism and fear. It started out as embracing singledom and now it's morphed into something much less positive and self-loving, and much more negative and self-destructive. The longer I stay in this pit, the harder it'll be for any guy to pull me out of it, and I don't want to be that girl.

5. Gain more independence. I really need to crack down and figure out what I can do to get out of my house. At this point, my mother isn't treating me like a daughter, she's treating me like an inmate, and I just can't take it anymore. My dad is basically her bitch, for lack of a better term. She feels entitled to all control because they help pay for school. I'd hate to have to leave State to be happy, but if it comes down to it, I will. I might just have to shoot for the nursing school at Wayne so I can pay tuition on my own, and live on my own as well. I just don't know how to make that kind of money and still 4.0 my classes this year..

I can only hope to stay true to myself and actually do these things. I sure as hell intend to try.

But nothing you've ever planned on
ever turned out the way you planned..